Okay, I know what you've been wondering all weekend long: What did Joel do for the holiday? It's the question of the day, right? Well, I don't want to disappoint you, so here goes:

Tuesday Evening: Our holiday weekend actually started when Alexander arrived home from college for the weekend. In my head, I always pictured a moment like this resembling a Folger's Coffee commercial. Alex would come in, loaded down with goodies for his family, singing O Holy Night while the rich aroma of coffee filled the air. Well, we didn't have any coffee brewing. Alex was loaded down...with dirty laundry. His song, sung to the O Holy Night melody, would've been more along the lines of:

O Dirty Socks
The smell is wafting upward
These are the socks
I've not washed
In three months

How 'bout these pants
And shirts with stains a-plenty
Yes that's ketchup
And chocolate ice cream

I will not talk
All about my skivvies
They are too rank
For such a family time

Fall on your knees
O take this laundry from me

O please wash my clothes
And let me return smelling
Divine

Anyway, he was home. In the old days, he roomed with Harrison. But, on this trip, in an amazing example of a three-way-psychic connection that would make Dionne Warwick and Kreskin both very proud, Alex and Harrison and their ever-loving mom, all knew that the college boy should bunk in the basement and let Harrison keep his bachelor pad to himself. Of course, that meant the basement became a bit of a bear's den...a downstairs dorm room...a cave...scary and foreboding.

Wednesday: Alex and Harrison went to Bee Movie. They gave it a thumbs-sideways. Taylor practiced with his pseudo-band...now named after his debate teacher and coach. Homage or bribery? You be the judge. Samantha was out with a friend all day. Jessica worked out at the gym. The dog and I sat and stared at the refrigerator.

Thanksgiving! I got up early and headed into work. We had some holiday fun on FirstNews. I had the chance to wear my turkey apron and gobble top hat. The ensemble was sent to me by a kind viewer. Once I get all the regalia on, I am quite a sight. Interestingly, the gobble top hat and apron with a stuffed turkey sticking out of it actually increases my credibility, according to focus groups. No word on whether or not these particular focus groups have feathers and wattles.

When I got home, the dog and I took a walk. We watched the Packers beat the Lions. Then, we ate...and ate...and ate. Turkey...rolls...potatoes...pies....stuffing. After the meal, we started to drag some of the Christmas decorations upstairs. As in the past, I made everyone put on their winter coats to walk down into the basement. We pretended to be looking at trees before seeing the perfect one...in pieces in a box. We dragged it upstairs to assemble. This year, since the college boy was using the basement as his place, it had a more authentically forest-musk odor.

I went to bed soon after this.

Friday: What a nice surprise! When I got up at 2:00 a.m. to head off to work, the house was all decked out in the Christmas stuff! The tree was up and lit. (As was our college-age son. Well, he was up but not lit. Not really dim...just not shiny.) That was a big job done! Friday night everyone but Harrison disappeared. Samantha was earning money babysitting. Taylor was playing the guitar with his friends. Alexander was with a bunch of friends. Of course, before they all vanished, they ate the pizza we ordered. My wife, Jessica, had a check ready for the guy who politely and efficiently delivered the goodies. But, in true "I'm-just-the-dad" fashion, I didn't have any money on me for a tip. I looked around for one of the kids...as they always seem to have some money on them...but they were all hiding somewhere. Who knows where my wife went at the moment of truth. The guy wished me a Happy Thanksgiving and drove away. I suspect he was wishing me other things under his breath. Maybe some new ideas about what I could do with the left-over turkey. (The next day my wife dropped off a tip with his name on it...so she looks great. As for me, I can never show my face at the door of a pizza place again. That's the law.)

By the way, Jessica was up at 4:00 a.m. and hit the stores. She went to two places for a few very specific items. Then worked out and had coffee with a friend. I know she got some great deals but the total receipt still looked the the gross national product of Latvia. She did some more on Saturday. By Sunday, it had become such a habit that we found her wandering aimlessly up and down the aisles of Wal-Mart just handing money to anyone wearing one of the smiley face buttons and a blue vest.

Saturday: The dog and I took a great early morning walk through the pretty little snowfall we got in our neck of the woods. (As I write this, I realize that I spent most of my holiday weekend with the dog.) As I mentioned a few blogs ago, one of my lighting jobs is to hang something from the windows above the garage. It took me three days to remember where I had put the brand new "Dancing Stars" deal from last year. Then, after I found it, only two of the eight stars still worked. I jostled the bulbs and even changed those little fuses in the plug but with no success. Later, my wonderful wife brought home a giant lighted star to replace the little stars. It required an engineering background to get this thing unfolded and reattached to look like a star. At one point, it resembled a rhino wearing knickers. With the help of my wife, who has a great facility with those little plastic thingamabobs that you push through and then pull to tighten...police restraints for crickets...we got it looking like a star. I plugged it in and it worked. So, I hung it out the second-story window and started to hammer in the nails. I only dropped about a half dozen nails onto the driveway. Once it was up and fairly-well centered, I plugged it in and only half the star glowed. Great.

I ended up running into our local hardware store and buying a blinky snowman and one of those little projectors for 75% off. Both were in the "Lighting For Idiots" aisle. Both worked. After the holidays, I plan on using the projector to do major shadow puppet productions on the garage door.

The big deal for today was lefse. Lefse is a Norwegian delicacy. There are two words that don't go together easily. It is a thin, tortilla-like treat made with potatoes. Some people put butter on it. Some roll it around lutefisk...a very stinky fish. Some just eat it plain. Personally, I like the plain or butter versions. Wrapping a fish in it seems like a spiteful thing to do to a perfectly innocent piece of lefse. Anyway, Jessica made lefse and it was great. Extra great because the only kid that likes it is Taylor. That means, more for me! I was in a little bit of Scandinavian heaven by Saturday evening.

Alex went to a KU-MU watch party. Taylor did homework. Samantha earned some more money babysitting. (She's rolling in dough!) Harrison watched the game with us...well, with his mom. I fell asleep. I was in a lefse stupor. I am a party animal.

Sunday: Alex hit the road for school with a bag of clean clothes. The basement started to look more like a basement and less like Marvel Cave. The other kids focused on getting ready for school. Except Harrison, who believes he is already on holiday break until January sometime. We watched the Chiefs. It was sad. Oh, well. There was still lefse left.

So, there's the windy answer to your persistent question about how I spent the holiday weekend. I hope yours was wonderful. Just keep your hands off my lefse.