Chris Stigall is the host of the morning show on KCMO Talk Radio 710. I provide weather forecasts for the program. Well, on Tuesday, Mr. Stigall (I am required, contractually, to address him in that formal manner. That's actually something of an improvement. Initially, I was mandated to say "Your royal talkmeister, Stigall the Magnificent.") was expressing worry about his upcoming wisdom teeth EXTRACTION! That is a great word. Sounds really awful. EXTRACTION! EXTRACTION! EXTRACTION! "In a world where everyone's mouth is a potential weapon of mass destruction, no one is safe from EXTRACTION. Starring Meryl Streep and Carrot Top. Opening this Friday in selected cities." Anyway, he was concerned. After all, in his line of work, he really puts his money where his mouth is!

I wanted to extend Mr. Stigall some personal reassurance although, I do kind of hate it when people chime in with their lives as I am trying to be self-absorbed! You know, you'll say something like "Oh, I stubbed my toe and I think it is broken" and then a co-worker or neighbor or total stranger will step up and say "Well, one time I rammed my toe into an antique armoire at a flea market and started a chain reaction that completely destroyed the entire stock of the place which cost me several thousand dollars AND my toe bone was jammed all the way into my upper thigh which caused me the most excruciating pain. They had to use morphine just to move me to the trauma center. To this day, I can't wear sandals and my pants still don't fit quite right. But, anyway, what about your finger or toe or whatever?" But, in this case, I can relate to the wisdom teeth deal.

At the time of my EXTRACTION! I was working for a state legislator in Wisconsin. I had pretty good health benefits at the time so I went to the dentist. Turned out I needed to have all four of my impacted wisdom teeth yanked. Now, I know I am getting on in years...a bit long in the wisdom tooth, if you wish. Just the other day, for example, a woman approached me and told me how much her son had enjoyed being on the KMBC kids' show JELLYBEANS! that I used to host. He's 26 now and probably has his own wisdom teeth issues. Well, I'm sure the methodology used in wisdom tooth EXTRACTION is better now. It wasn't bad even way back when. (This was just about three months after barbers quit offering a leeching with your shave and a trim.) I got home after the procedure and slept. Every now and then, I'd wake up to see Phil Donahue on the TV. I mean really ON my TV. Sitting up there. Like a cat with glasses. Those were very strong pain-killers.

Later in the day, my mom appeared at my door. I think she was real. She and her husband dropped off a chocolate milk shake and french fries, just in case I could eat anything. Of course, after the EXTRACTION, a person's mouth is filled with cotton and gauze and it's not pretty. Still, I tried to use a straw to enjoy the shake. That was a mistake. It was totally my fault. The oral surgeon had warned me not to do anything to dislodge the clots forming in the now empty space between my years...not THAT empty space, the one in my mouth. The surgeon's exact words, as I recall through the haze of years and heavy meds, were "Whatever you do, don't suck!" Perhaps she was giving me advice for my life, in general, and, if so, she would be deeply disappointed today, but, I think she just meant don't use a straw because that effort, with the changes in the oral cavity air pressure, may lead to the dreaded DRY SOCKET! Did I pay attention? No. Part of that was because I don't always listen. Part of that may have been because, by evening when my mom brought the goodies, I was really getting hungry. But, the main reason the advice didn't sink in, was because, when the doctor told me this, she looked like a giant Gila Monster wearing white tie and tails and speaking Esperanto. Did I mention the pain-killers were quite potent?

Well, I got the dry socket. It made my recovery much longer. I went from looking a little bit like Marlon Brando in The Godfather to Alvin the Chipmunk on steroids. Finally, after several weeks, I thought I'd made it through the ordeal only to get a late-stage infection. Maybe it was just as well that I NOT share this story with KCMO's Chris Stigall. It wouldn't exactly be reassuring.

You know, according to some sources, they call them Wisdom Teeth because when they actually do come in, it's a little later than the rest of the choppers. When you are "no longer a child but wiser." So, it makes perfect sense that mine would have been impacted. Not quite making it out. Sort of describes my personal level of wisdom. I really should have seen it coming but my tongue got wrapped around my eye teeth and that was that. Well, good luck to Mr. Stigall and the rest of you folks who may be heading in for Wisdom Tooth EXTRACTION! Remember, don't suck.