The public library of Kansas City, Kansas is celebrating the worst of Hollywood with its annual Bad Movie Festival! Now, when my wife and I first moved to Kansas City, we didn't have any little ones yet which meant we still had some ones...and fives...and tens in our hands. We also had some more time. So, we did go to quite a few movies. In the last, oh, 18 years or so, my level of movie attendance has dropped precipitously. By precipitously, I mean "to a great degree" not that it was raining and that prevented me from going out. Although, I do hate to get my toupee soggy. It looks like a wet aardvark nesting on my noggin. That's bad enough but I really get perturbed when kids come up and want to pet it. Okay, I don't really wear a hair-piece but, along those lines, the last time we were in Branson, the mirrors in the hotel room bath lined up perfectly to give me the best view I've ever had of my increasingly thinning hair on top The hair that was trying, vainly, to cover the widening expanse was mostly white. I've got a snow-globe up there. Luckily, we were on our way to hear Charo and that took my mind off my head. Okay, I digress. Forget my hair issues. Just sweep it under my rug. Let's talk movies. Bad movies.

One of my family's favorite TV shows was Mystery Science Theater 3000 or MST3K. It revolved around a guy stranded in space forced to watch bad movies with his robot buddies. As they watched, they made wise-cracks. It was great and, in a way, a little sad. Just thinking of all the effort and passion poured into a film (when you're serious about movies you call it "film." Personally, I prefer "movin' pictures.") like Hands of Manos, only to have it be an object of hilarious scorn is unsettling. (Of course, in these days of YouTube, just about any of us can end up with our bumpiest efforts being preserved and accessible for all time. For example, in the KMBC section of YouTube, you can find me wearing a red wig and cheerleader outfit, getting what's left of my hair painted blue, talking about art made of elephant droppings and falling on my hinder at the Ice Terrace.) Well, it is not the cinema stinke' of MST3K they are talking about at the KCK Library Bad Movie Festival. They mean movies that, at first glance, maybe rated R or G or PG but also got the rating of P-yeeewww!

Just the other day, my youngest son, Harrison, and I watched what is often thought to be the worst movie ever made: Plan 9 From Outer Space. Frankly, I didn't think it was all that bad. Of course, I'm predisposed to love anything that has the number 9 in it. Harrison had a ball watching the poor production quality and wooden acting...and, especially, commenting on it. Of course, Harrison also genuinely enjoyed the John Travolta movie Battlefield Earth. Years ago, I took the older boys to see Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie, fully expecting to be bored to tears. It was surprisingly fun. The villain is a cross between a Star Trek-type Klingon and Paul Lynde.

The movies that I've, personally, found to be disappointing are often those that get pretty decent reviews. Now, what follows, represents only my low-brow opinion so, please, don't take offense if you loved one of these. After all, you need only tune into my work on KMBC to realize that I have little or no judgement. Anyway, here are just four movies that didn't quite do it for me:

*Ironweed* This was a movie that had a lot going for it. Based on the Pulitzer Prize winning novel of the same name, it starred Meryl Streep and, one of my favorites, Jack Nicholson. When I walked into the theater with my soon-to-be wife on my arm, I was whistling a happy tune and had a spring in my step. By the time we came out, I felt totally defeated and practically required an IV just to make it to the car. Talk about a depressing couple of hours. This was definitely NOT a date movie unless you were trying to make time with a Prozac salesperson. Even today, more than 20 years later, when someone gets moody around the house, my wife or I will say "What is this? A scene from Ironweed?


*Remains of the Day* My wife and I rented this one to watch at home. It starred Anthony Hopkins and earned a pile of Oscar nominations. Well, maybe my wife and I are just not classy enough but this one put us to sleep. We kept hoping Hopkins would shift back into Hannibal Lechter mode and search the cellar for a bottle of Chianti. It just dragged on and on and on. If you ever think life is moving too fast, put in this movie. We may not be alone in our view of this movie. I just noticed on the movie site where I refreshed my memory of this thing, one of the "site sponsors" is for Ambien...a sleep aid. Is this some kind of joke? Anyway, we just didn't get into this one and never really cared about the characters. It was not Silence of the Lambs. It was just Silence. That other Anthony Hopkins offering, Silence of the Lambs was much more exciting even though my tender-hearted wife couldn't stand it. The day after we watched it, we went to Animal Haven and got a bigger dog.

*American Beauty* Here's another one that my country bumpkin wife and I just didn't find very entertaining or enlightening. We must have been in the minority since it won a bunch of Oscars. But, we thought the whole thing was really depressing. Like Ironweed but with a better wardrobe.

Of course, these three films were well-acted and had high production values so they weren't bad in that "let's make fun of them" sort of way. They just left us feeling deflated and wishing we could get those two hours back and use them for something more enjoyable like root canal.

For really good bad movies, you need to tune into The Lifetime Movies Channel. My kids and I have gotten sucked into some doozies that my wife was watching. There are lots of titles like Seduced By Madness, Borrowed Hearts, Ultimate Deception (everything is the Ultimate something on this channel,) Before He Wakes and Obsessed. Melissa Gilbert, Tracey Gold, Markie Post and Jaclyn Smith show up a lot...usually on the arm of a young Barry Bostwick or middle-aged Scott Bakula. Currently, the best, bad Lifetime movie my family and I have indulged in was called Voyage of Terror, a made for TV concoction from 1998. It had a an impressive cast including Lindsay Wagner, Martin Sheen and Brian Dennehy as "The President." Lindsay Wagner plays Dr. Stephanie Tauber, an infectious disease researcher taking a cruise with her daughter in an effort to "reconnect." Well, as luck would have it, an ebola-type virus attacks the crew and passengers. The captain of the ship keeps changing his accent. The "Oval Office" of President Brian Dennehy looks like it was decorated by college freshmen on a very tight budget. Martin Sheen spoke his lines with great authority but the little thought bubble over his head said "I am doing this strictly for the money...you never know when my son Charlie may need to make bail. Please, have my limo warmed up and ready to head for the West Wing."

There were little fake news updates throughout the movie that were, sadly, very close to the real thing. "Voyage of terror. Death on the high seas. Will it dock in your town? All that and today's weather. Tonight at 11:00." This movie provided my family with our own little episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000! In fact, our oldest son, Alex, taped it and shows it to his friends for their amusement and smart-alecky asides.

I know I am treading on dangerous ground by making fun of movies. After all, once they start a Bad TV Festival, I'll probably be in my own category.