This morning I wore a tie that I've had in the closet for many years. It has a little horsey on it. I think it's a guy playing polo which means it must be a Polo tie. I'm not a fashionista so, to me, Polo is a neat community north of the river in Missouri. Anyway, I wore this tie once...many years ago. An engineer walked through the weather center that day, took one look at the tie and said "That's an ugly tie. Don't wear it again." Well, memories of being stuffed in my middle school locker by bigger, stronger classmates...often they were girls...came flooding back and I didn't dare wear the red, black and yellow plaid tie again...until this morning.

You may think that I was being oversensitive by not wearing it again for so long and you'd be right. One other time, I wore a gray (or grey, if you prefer) sweater vest under my suit-jacket. It was "the look" at the time. I'd seen people like Kris Ketz and Bryan Busby wear such an ensemble. They are widely regarded as well-turned-out. Well, the morning I wore it, none other than Jim Flink said he thought it made me look rather pompous and full of myself. Now, that was just the effect I was hoping for...but, his pointed comments made me throw that sweater in the corner when I got home. You see, Flink is one of these guys that, in the words of my mother, "wears his clothes well" or in the words of my grandmother "looks natty" or in the words of my Uncle Lemur, "needs a good swift kick in his Versace." Mr. Flink is a fashion plate. I've always been more of a fashion gravy boat. Well, I took his words to heart and never returned to my vested interest.

Then, there was the time I tried to go a little casual on the news. When I started at Channel 9, the news director said the look he wanted in his on-air folks was "friendly professionals." Nothing too out there. Conservative. Warm. Dependable. Then, it happened. Sports people decided they were too cool for ties. They started wearing turtle necks and open collars. Feeling a bit sartorially spunky, I came in one morning wearing a maroon turtle neck under my sport coat. It was a mock turtle neck. Yes, it did seem to mock me. All the way into work that morning, it was taunting me: "Who do you think you are? You can't wear me! I'm made for hip, cool dudes. Not pasty-faced duds. You will never go through with this. Nannee-Nannee-Boo-Boo." The shirt was right. I had it on and ready to go but as soon as I saw the anchor people looking at me with a combination of horror and glee, I decided I didn't have the nerve to go casual. I looked a little like a paunchy Carl Sagan...with "billions and billions" of flabby rolls trying to escape around my middle. Quickly, I grabbed a dress shirt hanging there in the weather center and a tie. Neither belonged to me. Based on the size of the shirt, a former Channel 9 weather-person must have moonlighted as a Keebler Elf. The tie featured a hand-painted, scantily-clad female hula dancer. But, I figured if I kept my jacket buttoned, the FCC wouldn't be offended. Unfortunately, by doing so, all you could see were two beady eyes. Weather became a scene from Alien.

After those ridiculous failures at changing my style, I decided just to stick to regular old business suits. But, in order to release my inner Haute Couture, I started changing up the ties. By the way, Haute Couture is French for "high sewing" and refers to fancy fashions but it always sounds to me like something you'd need surgery for..."Yes, Mr. Nichols, it looks like you ruptured your haute couture. Probably when you tried to lift that 149th spoonful of chocolate ice cream. We're going to have to realign your haute and stitch up your couture. Then, you'll be almost as good as new...of course, your days as a flamenco dancer are probably over." But, I fashionably digress.

For me, it has become all about ties. Even in this category I play it relatively safe. For example, I try not to make an ascot of myself. I avoid bow ties for a couple reasons: 1. I can't tie them and 2. I'm afraid of being mugged by Tucker Carlson, George Will and Jerry Mahoney. And, I would not be caught wearing a Bola Tie. There was a guy that worked at Channel 9 for years who wore Bola Ties and he looked like a hip cowpoke. If I wore one, it would make viewers wretch...making it an E-Bola Tie. So, I just stick to regular ties in my little Half-Windsor knot. That's the only one I know how to do. Years ago, in high school gym class, I got my Half-Windsor confused with my Half-Nelson and ended up in traction.

I have a blue and red striped tie and another one that is gray (or grey) with dark blue circles that I wear if I think I'm going to get yelled at at work. I guess they're called "power ties." I figure if I can't defend my poor performance, maybe my tie will do the talking for me. I have ties for just about every holiday from Valentine's Day to St. Patrick's to Christmas and New Year's. I have golf ties. I have musical ties...like the one that looks like a keyboard which was a cute idea until a bunch of little kids who'd learned to play piano by the Suzuki method beat the high C out of me. Of course, I have weather-related ties. Many of these ties were purchased for me by my loving family who feel I need all the help I can get dressing myself. Some came from schools. About a half dozen were gifts from a viewer who used to teach Sunday School to little kids and wore a variety of ties as part of that responsibility.

According to what I've read, the idea of men wearing ties may date back to Roman times when orators used them to keep their vocal cords nice and toasty. So, with regard to my little horsey tie I got out of the stable this morning, let me say to the engineer that poo-pooed it all those years ago: Et tu, Brute? Which, I think, is Roman-talk for "AAH-HAA. Turns out some people do like this tie! So take that!"