We have three birch trees in our front yard. In the spring, they are slowpokes. It takes forever for the first leaves to actually appear. Then, because these trees are slackers, the late-appearing leaves turn yellow early and start to fall off. By Thanksgiving, the leaves are pretty much all gone. Well, not gone. They're all over the ground. That is what leads me to the internal conversation I have each and every year...if it wasn't for my internal conversations I'd hardly have anyone to talk to who would really listen and even I don't really listen to me, but don't tell me that, because I'd be heart-broken if I ever found out that I'm not listening to me. The question of the season: Should I rake or not?

Most lawn experts advise that a good raking is healthy for your lawn. It opens things up and lets the air into the soil. On the other, more lazy, hand, I've heard that sometimes leaves can act as a natural mulch. I have always leaned toward the natural mulch idea. In fact, I plan on using natural mulch to cover my soon-to-be obvious bald spot. Now, I know you're thinking that I am just plain lazy. I can't really deny that. However, I have to say that my hesitancy to rake is based on several important principles. First, I am anti-bagging. Rabidly anti-bagging. Just a few blogs ago, I mentioned my fond memories of burning leaves in the fall. If I knew I could burn the leaves, I'd be much more likely to rake them into a pile. But, due to safety and environmental concerns, that is not allowed. So, as President Calvin Coolidge said when told the White House lawn needed attention: "I choose not to rake."

Another thing that slows me down when it comes to raking is what kind of rake to use. We don't have one of those really wide, wooden rakes but we do have a couple of those highly-flexible, fan-like metal ones. Frankly, I am anti-highly-flexible, fan-like rakes. Rabidly anti-highly-flexible, fan-like rakes. I want one of those old-fashioned, straight-iron rakes. A heavy-duty deal you could use for gathering rocks. Why? Is it because I really want to dig deep? Or because I believe they do a better job? No. I want one because you can't do the old "stepped-on-the-rake-and-hit-myself-in-the-head" routine with one of those wimpy, soft rakes. All the years of watching Tom & Jerry cartoons become meaningless if you can't reenact some of those moments.

Then, there's this: In his great song, Autumn Leaves, the legendary Johnny Mercer describes the scene this way: "The falling leaves drift by my window...the autumn leaves of red and gold." There is NOTHING in the song about raking. NOTHING. By the way, the original French title of that classic tune is Les Fevilles Mortes, or Dead Leaves. Those French are so romantic. Frankly, or should that be Francophile-ly, if it was really called Dead Leaves, I actually may do the lawn work.

Also, if I rake, then I eliminate the following parental threat: "Hey, if you do/don't (insert infraction or duty here) I'll make you rake the lawn!" And, the leaves help cover the brown spots that we have to look at all through the spring and summer! AND, they (the leaves) look pretty as they swirl around the driveway! AND, did I mention I am rabidly anti-bagging and anti-highly-flexible, fan-like rakes? You see, there are so many reasons NOT to rake.

In fact, I can only think of one good reason to rake the leaves: So that when my employer or wife or children or random stranger on the street tells me to "Go take a flying leap" I will have a nice soft place to land. At the house we lived in when the kids were all very little, we didn't have many trees so the leaf production was quite limited. Still, being a dutiful dad, I would rake them into a jumping pile for the kids. They were small so the heap didn't have to be huge. Now, however, the big boys are bigger than me and the little kids are gaining fast, so we'd really need a mound! And, since the kids are all much busier than I am, I just know that nobody would be home so I'd end up playing all by myself and that would open up all those old childhood wounds. The next thing you know, I'd be sobbing my eyes out to Dr. Phil.

Well, I hope you won't judge my lack of raking too harshly. The neighbors are supportive of anything that keeps me indoors and out or sight. Also, I believe I've given a fair number of compelling reasons for my lack of rake-thusiasm. Still, the idea of jumping into a big pile of leaves is starting to sound pretty cool. So what if no one else is around! A grown man leaping happily into a big pile of autumn leaves...why, that behavior could be described as jaunty...dashing...sporty...in a word: RAKISH!