Last week on FirstNews, there was a story about a survey done by Salary.com, indicating that the average employee wastes nearly two hours of a typical eight to nine hour work day. The leading reasons: personal Internet use and socializing with co-workers. That last one is not a problem for me since nobody here will speak to me. I would have written something about this last week, when the story actually aired, but, somehow, time got away from me. Instead of using the Fifth Amendment, you know, to avoid incriminating myself...let me just say, in words heard often at various congressional hearings and, therefore, obviously, acceptable, "I do not recall wasting time at work...uh...it is not my recollection, at this time....mumble, mumble, mumble (this is where I'm leaned over with my hand covering the microphone, conferring with my legal counsel).....Mr. Chairman, I simply can not say I remember anything about wasting time on the job." However, if I did waste time on the job, it would probably be something like this:

All times are in the a.m. The very early a.m. So early in the a.m. that p.m. often thinks he has a right to these hours.

3:00--Arrive at work. Startled, as usual, that my key card still opens the station door.
3:05--Fire up computers and glance at weather maps.
3:06--Sit in Larry Moore's anchor chair and pretend to be Larry.
3:15--Do my first on-line jigsaw puzzle of the day at Jigzone.com. (Today, it was cockle shells.)
3:19--Check out some newspapers on the interweb. Include the Madison, Wisconsin papers where I check my status as a cheesehead. Also, pretend to read The New York Times and Washington Post so as to appear really informed on current events.
3:30--Glance at weather map, again.
3:31--Do another Jigzone puzzle.
3:40--Marvel at how difficult that last Jigzone puzzle turned out to be.
3:41--Make my regular crank calls to Jim Flink. "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" "Is your refrigerator running?" "I'm going to use all your mousse and other hair-care products on my dog!" That kind of thing.
3:45--Go to the bathroom and turn the ignition on the sand-blaster. It has to warm up for about 20 minutes before I can use it to prepare my face for the several layers of make-up necessary to appear on the air without scaring too many children and small animals.
3:50--Watch some TV. I find the infomercials about stain removal products and "Get Out Of Debt Now" programs particularly inspiring. Still, my viewing is not the same since the Singing Bass and Flowbee shows have disappeared.
4:29--Call KCMO Talk Radio 710 and leave some weather forecasts.
4:29:30-- Call KCMO Talk Radio 710 and, using the voice of a little old lady, tell them "I think that young whippersnapper of a weatherman you have, is the best part of your show!"
4:30--Head back to the bathroom and sandblast my face. Apply makeup after stopping the bleeding. (Over the years, I've found that if I don't wait, I just end up having to start over.)
4:45--Notice that the show starts in 15 minutes and panic because I have nothing to show on the air. Look at Busby's weathercasts from the night before and steal most of his graphics.
4:50--Wander through the newsroom looking nonchalant as I rifle through people's desks.
4:59--Put on microphone and ear deal. Sing a medley of songs from the shows of Andrew Lloyd Weber. I find it relaxes me.
5:00-7:00--Do my part on FirstNews. That means weather comments every couple of minutes. Do some live weather for the radio show while trying to impress radio host Chris Stigall by incorporating politics into the weather forecasts..."You know Chris, it is going to be hotter than Fred Thompson's forehead on a visit to the Equator!" "Chris, the rain moving in is soggier than the front row at a presidential debate!" Do longer weather presentations on the TV so co-anchors Jere Gish and Donna Pitman have time to get their conversations, shopping lists and taxes done. Also, while they're doing the news, I am required to change the oil in their cars as well as wash and vacuum them. The cars, not the anchors...not that management didn't try to slip such a clause into my last contract!
7:00-?--In between little weather cut-ins for Good Morning America, I try to improve my computer skills by playing Solitaire and Hearts. I also do a few more jigsaw puzzles on-line. I am almost up to the 20 piece puzzles, by the way. Every now and then, I will gather several weather maps, stick pens behind my ears and markers in my shirt pocket, assume a grim look with furrowed brow and worried frown, and march through the newsroom. I can almost hear my co-workers remarking, under their breath, "My goodness. That Joel Nichols is always hard at work. I wonder how I can get that fired up?!" I think that's what they're saying, although, once I though it was more like "My goodness. That Joel Nichols is always such a jerk. I wonder how I can get him fired?!"

Anyway, that's what I would do if I wasted time at work. But, I don't. Speaking of wasting time at work...if you are at your job right now, what are you doing looking at this? I won't tell if you won't!