On Sunday, my lovely wife and I were up and out of the house fairly early. It was time to retrieve our second-oldest son from his two-week sojourn into the land of debate. Remember the old days when I kid would go away to camp and come back with a hand-made leather wallet or bookmark? Now, they go away and come back with a list of issues and argumentation techniques. The last thing my kids really need is instruction in how to twist and turn a discussion in their favor. Still, this particular boy is just plain good at debate and, so, he has spent a portion of the last couple of summers honing his skills.

I am not going to use his real name or the actual name of the educational facility he was visiting for reasons which will become clear. I do not want to risk insulting some financial aid officer or influential alum. With only one kid off to college and three more to go, we have to keep every option open. So, I'll call the child...uh...F. Lee, as in F. Lee Bailey-famously argumentative attorney and the school "Faber College" in honor of Animal House. Well, as I mentioned earlier, F. Lee headed for Faber a couple weeks back. As his mother and I understand it, these debate camps are for the socially-conscious but not, really, for the socially-minded. They don't sit around campfires and sing. They don't go off-campus and haunt the downtown. They don't really hang out. They work. They research. They cut and paste arguments onto cards. They practice "speeding" which, as I understand it, is the art of talking very, very fast while still being understandable. (I am trying to perfect that for my weather-casting. It will work well with my other weather-man strengths such as "hedging," "dodging," "faking," and "saying-one-thing-while-meaning-another.") Over the two weeks, whenever we were able to talk to F. Lee, he was squirrelled away in some dusty corner of the dorm, building his team's case. At times, he would only speak to us in code, for fear of being overheard by some opposing unit. "Well, the eagle flies at midnight. The boat has sailed. Say hello to Lilly Marlene on your long, long way to Tipperary." We never did figure out what any of that meant but he sounded okay as he said it, so we were moderately comforted.

Overall, he had a great experience at Faber College. He and his debating partner won the camp championship and F. Lee was chosen best individual speaker. However, he did have some major problems with the "facility," in general, and the food service, in particular. This is why I am keeping this all very secretive. You know how you get those "We Value Your Opinion" cards when you eat out or stay somewhere. I don't usually fill those out because I'm pretty sure that, if they got to know me, they wouldn't value my opinion at all. And, frankly, I don't think I want to patronize a place that values my opinion. Well, when F. Lee filled out such a card he was rather brutal. On the scale from one to five, five being great, only one item made it to a three. Everything else fell under the ones and twos. Now, again, this was not about the actual nuts and bolts of the camp, just about things like cleanliness of the room, helpfulness of the housing staff and, especially, taste and presentation of the food. His main problem with the staff had to do with not being able to get on-line for research, which the pre-camp info indicated would be possible. He was bounced all over until he ended up right back talking to the person he first reached. They never resolved his techno troubles. Later, after walking from one building to another in a pouring rainstorm (vehicle transport was not available), F. Lee put his soggy shoes over the vent in his room to dry out. He got caught without shoes outside of his quarters and was told he was in violation of the rules. In true F. Lee style, he said "You get me on the Internet as promised and I'll wear my water-logged shoes everywhere...even to bed." This did not endear him to the staffers. F. Lee is a good boy but he is not Dale Carnegie. He is not opposed to the idea of influencing people but the "Win Friends" part doesn't really speak to him. He's not unlikable or anything but, on occasion, even Will Rogers may have wanted to give F. Lee a little kick in the hinder.

As for the food service, it wasn't so much the quality, which was rated pretty low by all the campers, I guess, but the illogical rules for serving. F. Lee wanted to have a bread stick with his taco. But, when he tried to put a breadstick on his plate he was told the breadsticks were only for people taking pasta. F. Lee explained that he really didn't want to waste the pasta, which he knew he wouldn't eat, just to get a breadstick so, couldn't he just take a breadstick, please? He was informed in no uncertain terms that the rules stipulated that the breadsticks were only...repeat only...for those having pasta! F. Lee tried another tactic, ala Jack Nicholson in Five Easy Pieces: "Okay. I'll have the pasta with the breadsticks. But, please, hold the pasta." The woman was not amused. At least, F. Lee had not said "Hold the pasta between your knees." Now, let me make it clear that none of this has a financial element. The debate campers were allowed to go through the line as often as they wished during the lunch and dinner periods, the cost of which was already included in the fees. F. Lee tried to convince the lunch-line lady that it really made no logical sense to make a customer take a meal he didn't want and wouldn't eat just to get a breadstick. But, for this particular person, she had a rule and, doggone it, she was going to enforce it. Well, F. Lee ate his taco and then got back in line. He took the pasta so he could get a breadstick. The pasta went to waste and the breadstick got eaten. By this time, F. Lee didn't really want the breadstick anymore but it was a matter of principle! He just could not fathom the complete lack of sense exhibited by this silly breadstick ONLY with pasta rule.

Well, all of these minor injustices made it onto his "We Value Your Opinion" card. Not only did he wallow in the low numbers but he added comments. He outlined his displeasure about the computer hook-up and, especially, about the breadstick incident. His commentary was a little over the top. I just don't think you gain anything by referring to a group as "bad humans." My wife got a hold of the card and did some editing. By the time she was done, it looked like a letter sent from a Siberian Gulag.

Well, F. Lee is home, now and Faber College is still standing. The way things spin around in this world, it is quite possible that F. Lee will end up attending Faber for real in a couple years. I guarantee you he will not have forgotten the breadstick incident and, if for some bizarre reason, he were to make the college commencement address a little further down the line, you can bet that whole episode will be in there somewhere. Welcome home, F. Lee. Enjoy the breadsticks.