Our oldest son will be appearing in his final high school stage production this week. He has distinguished himself in leading roles in all kinds of plays...comedy, drama, musicals. Interestingly, even in elementary school he decided to adopt a stage name. Well, it isn't really just a stage name. He uses it everywhere. His siblings all have aliases, too. If you've seen my work on Channel 9, you can't really blame them. Anyway, the fact that "Horatio" is going on the boards again, plus, hearing a name from my murky past, recently, and some e-mailed pictures courtesy of Bob France, from back home in Wisconsin, all have me thinking of my own illustrious stage career. As with many TV types, almost anything can be twisted around to really be all about me.

Not too many blogs ago, I related the story of not getting a part in my middle-school play. I've almost recovered from that painful retelling so I'm not going to put salt in the wound today. Jumping into the high school years, still smarting from my 8th grade humiliation, I refused to try out for the musical in my Freshman year. They were doing Oklahoma...I figured I'd have trouble with the spelling part, anyway. When asked if I'd be auditioning, I replied, dramatically "I want to be alone!" That turned out to be just fine with everybody. I ended up in the chorus. The last play of that first year was Tom Sawyer. The lead was played by the most popular person in the school. Randy Kostroski, a senior, had lettered in every sport he'd ever tried. He had never gone out for a play before, but, I suspect, this play was chosen with him in mind. He had the starring role from the get go and deserved it. This time my character actually had a name, Ben Rogers. (In Oklahoma, I was "Cowboy Number Six.") Well, Randy turned out to be as nice as he was talented, even to us lowly Freshmen. All of us had one big number called Paintin' the Fence. My solo line was "Sailin' on a ship made of logs." I tried to do it as Dean Martin. Sounded more like Mary Martin with a bad head cold.

Starting with my Sophomore year, I decided the community had suffered enough from my absence on the stage and decided to try out for South Pacific. My parents were very supportive until they realized I was not actually going to the South Pacific. I ended up playing an Army guy name Joseph Cable who falls in love with an island girl. She was played by Nola Enge...my first leading lady. Nola was, amazingly, able to summon dramatic tears whenever I approached her on stage. It's funny what your brain can remember. I think I can recall just about every girl I played opposite of during high school...Nola, Mary, Bonnie, Monica. Maybe that's because the performances were so emotional and heart-felt. Also, you tend to remember the names of people who have issued restraining orders against you. Actually, one of the most memorable moments from the play involved a scene in which I am being chewed out by my commanding officer. For some reason, the other actor and I completely collapsed in laughter. I can still remember the silhouette of our faculty director, Mr. Weller, hunched over in the orchestra pit. He was bobbing up and down with laughter or he was sobbing, I never knew which.

The e-pictures sent by Bob France were from a production of Get Smart, based on the great old TV show. I played the lead, Maxwell Smart, mostly because I still carried my lunch to school in my Get Smart lunchbox and I could sort of imitate Don Adams...."Would you believe?"...."Sorry about that, Chief"...."Missed it by that much." All catch-phrases from the 1960s series that I still use today to describe my weather forecasting ability. In the photos from Mr. France, I am clad in my usual polyester wardrobe looking totally ridiculous. One of the shots also has one of my best friends in it, Keith Wilkinson. He was portraying The Chief. I walked to school with Keith just about everyday from first through 12th grade. Each morning, I'd stand in the Wilkinson kitchen while what seemed like hundreds of Wilkinson kids sped in and out. Meanwhile, in the midst of all the good-natured chaos, Mrs. Wilkinson smiled and laughed. It was a great way to start the day.

Over those high school years, we also did Our Town, Guys and Dolls, Harvey, M*A*S*H and other plays. In our Senior year, for the big musical, the choir director chose Once Upon A Mattress. The leading role, of course, was the princess played on Broadway by Carol Burnett. The girl playing the role at Sauk-Prairie High School was extremely talented and made the stage light up. Clearly, the play had been chosen for our school with this talented person in mind. However, I think there was an ulterior motive at work. I think the choir director chose this play in an effort to get even with all of us Senior boys who had made her life so difficult. She chose a play that would force us all to wear...TIGHTS! My part was that of the minstrel who talks directly to the audience and tells the story. That meant I was the first to walk on stage in my black hosiery. Now, Joe Namath may have been able to pull it off...wearing panty hose, I mean...but for me, it was a challenge. As I walked out on stage, I am certain I heard the choir director snorting happily. Luckily for all of us guys, as soon as the girl playing the lead got on stage we were all just background scenery.

Now, as I sit in the theater and watch our son take the stage, a couple of things are very clear: First of all, he's better at this stuff than I ever was...and, second, if I'm ever required to wear tights again, I'm going to need the kind with the built-in girdle. Live theater will go on forever and, apparently, so will my waist.