Yesterday, I mentioned that my family and I were on the highway last week and that the details involved history, ghosts, waitresses, mountains, a brother-in-law, various odors and George Costanza. How do they all come together? Here goes:

History: We spent Fourth of July week surrounded by the stuff. Starting in Washington DC and ending in Gettysburg PA. There was a definite Lincoln spin on everything. Ford's Theatre and the house across the street where President Lincoln died were haunting. The Memorial itself is always inspiring and, of course, in Gettysburg, Old Abe is everywhere. There is one statue of him on the town square in Gettysburg that is as memorable as anything but for a less than dignified reason. There is the President, all 6'4" of him, chatting with...Andy Williams! I swear the other figure in the display is Branson's favorite crooner. Maybe Abe really enjoyed Moon River and The Days of Wine and Roses. The way the two figures are standing there it looks like Lincoln is asking Andy for an autograph. Now, according to the plaque at the base of the pair, it is depicting the President giving information to one of the regular tourists visiting the town. I'm not sure which is more fitting for a president: chatting with a major singing star or giving directions to the nearest ice cream parlor to a regular dork like me.

Ghosts: You know those famous Ghost Stories that Larry Moore does around Halloween? Well, everyday is Halloween in Gettysburg. They have after-dark ghost tours and books about paranormal stuff in every store. Traveling in a van with four kids for hours and hours caused me to see visions and feel visited by spirits already so we skipped the scary side of the town. Instead, we took in a live musical called For The Glory. It was spectacular. If you head that way this summer, make sure you see it at the old Majestic Theatre. It is a Broadway level performance that will add soul to all the history you experience on the battlefields. Speaking of the battlefields, when I went to Gettysburg, the first time, as a kid, we took a bus tour and the driver/guide looked and sounded like an actor named James Gregory. He played the inspector on the old Barney Miller show among many other roles. My dad and I were convinced he was that guy. I think it meant we watched too much TV. Another TV star was a major presence in Gettysburg back then: Charlie Weaver. He was the guy in suspenders in the corner of the old Hollywood Squares and he was a Civil War buff. He had a motel there and gift shops. I was hoping we'd run into him...my brush with celebrity greatness...but we didn't. We did spend some money at one of his gift shops. Whenever my mind seemed to wander from the task at hand, my dad would say "There's history everywhere you step...stay alert!" All through the bus tour, my mom would lean over and say "Did you hear that?" Finally, I answered with enthusiasm "Yes! Mom! I heard that!" Then, I would go back to daydreaming about meeting Charlie Weaver and asking him if Paul Lynde was really funny in person, too. If those Gettysburg Ghost Tours included a visit from Charlie Weaver, Paul Lynde and Wally Cox, I'd have taken one.

Waitresses: Just wanted to say we had great waitresses everywhere we went from a Cracker Barrel in Ohio to the Farnsworth House in PA. As a family, we don't eat out very often, so being in a restaurant is a big deal and nice waitresses make it even better. We were waited on by two women named Heidi. That has to mean something. Two Heidis in one trip? Also, just for your information: the Bob Evans in Wheeling, West Virginia has the cleanest bathrooms...if you get there before my kids.

Mountains: We left for DC at 3:00 a.m. on Saturday. By the time we got to West Virginia, I decided I was awake enough to go the rest of the way without sleeping over. It went fine until we got into the higher elevations of Maryland and night began to fall. We stopped for gas in a little Maryland town that looked cute as we crossed the village line. But, while getting gas, it started to seem kind of creepy. People were wandering around the gas station...just staring at us...all of a sudden I got the feeling we had stumbled into a Stephen King book. That was a foreshadowing of tension to come. Cars were whizzing by us on the hilly highway. I kept hoping they would notice the Kansas license plate and give me a break. "Oh, he's from Kansas. It's flat there. Mountains scare him. Let's buy him some cookies." Instead they went tearing by me and I am sure they were cursing. Now, on the way home we drove through the mountains of Pennsylvania during the daylight and it all seemed beautiful and relaxing! Even the dog in the car ahead of us looked more like Benji than Cujo.

A Brother-In-Law: In the comic strips, movies and TV shows, the brother-in-law is usually a lazy, out-of-work slob on the sofa. But, in my case, my brother-in-law, D'Arcy is the exact opposite. He and his lovely family make DC their home. My wife's family had their annual reunion there this year and that is the main reason we made the trip. The fact that D'Arcy and Ceci allowed us to set up camp in their newly remodeled house is amazing enough. Remember, we are six people...three of whom are teenagers and one of whom is a cranky 45 year old. Just letting us in the door would have been enough but D'Arcy made sure we saw all the sights we wanted to see. From the National Cathedral to Arlington cemetery to the Vietnam Wall and points in between, we got a lot of DC in just a few days. He also made sure we had a prime spot for the fireworks on the mall. The guy has the golden touch and, being a rather petty person myself, I could easily hold that against him but he is so willing to share it, I can only say thanks.

George Costanza: Thanks also to Carolyn Anderson in Congressman Dennis Moore's office for taking the herd of family that showed up on her doorstep the day before Independence Day and arranging a wonderful tour of the Capitol. Of all the amazing things to see in that building, the one that really made an impression was George Costanza. Yes, Jason Alexander of Seinfeld was in the building. He was in town to host the live show from the mall. Even my wife, who is not the least bit star-struck, hunted "George" down. (This is a woman who, years ago, had the chance to meet Tom Selleck and passed.) My kids used their cell-phones to get pictures...they hovered for awhile. That night we listened to some of the rehearsal for the next night's show and felt a special closeness to Mr. Alexander as he practiced. Another guest was Elmo, who seemed a little peeved about the tempo the orchestra was playing his number. At first I was rather angry that a sit-com star had usurped Washington, Jefferson, Adams and the rest. Then, I realized, for my kids (and, apparently, my wife) Jason Alexander is what Charlie Weaver would've been for me. A major celebrity sighting. My only fear is that my oldest son will answer the question about the founders on his history test by writing "Yadda. Yadda. Yadda."

Finally, various odors: I was in a van with five other people, four under the age of 16. That's six people in a confined space for about 17 hours, driving home. Six people who had experienced too much heat and too much humidity and too few showers. Six people who had eaten too many bags of chips and chocolate and too little...huh...let's say roughage. Various odors? 'Nuff said.

I am not a good traveler. I worry too much. I miss the dogs. I like being home. But, as a father, I had a little mental list of places I'd like to take the kids at some point. The Rockies, the ocean, DisneyWorld and Washington DC. Fortunately, my wife and I have been able to get it done. It has been fun and I hope the kids remember it all fondly. As for me, I am never leaving home again.