Thursday, June 29, 2006
Almost Happy New Year
Based on the title of this little bit of blogginess, you probably have decided that I have finally, unsurprisingly, lost complete touch with reality. "We are heading toward the 4th of July and this internet dingleberry is wishing us a Happy New Year? He can't read a calendar any better than he can a weather map!" Well, I would argue that the calendar depends on your perspective. If there are kids in your house or you are a kid yourself, it really feels like the new year starts around September 1 or, even the middle of August...whenever school begins. The year runs from first school bell to last school bell...summer is its own mini-year. Does any of this make sense? Just imagine Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time edited by a staff of monkeys. If you accept my "summer=year" theory, it makes July 4 about the half-way point in the year...the mini-year, not the other year. Huh?
As a young man, my oldest brother, Randy, liked to wear lots of make-up. Now that I have regained your attention after my time/space/monkey discussion, let me explain what that fact has to do with Independence Day. Randy earned extra money for college performing as a clown. He was great...which always seemed a little surprising because, of the four boys, Randy was the quietest and, by far, the most polite. But, slap on the red nose and he was terrific. One year, he asked me to be his assistant at the Witwen Wisconsin Independence Day Parade. We worked out the old bucket full of water...or is it just confetti...trick. Randy rode a skateboard down the middle of Witwen's Main Street and I followed, handing out candy, until we came to a group of people ready for the gag. We did it about six times during the course of the parade. By the last time, I had finally gotten the order of buckets right. We left in our wake several doused spectators including a drippy state senator and a couple of soggy sisters...as in nuns. The nuns were good sports about my mistake, one saying it had better have been holy water. That was my final performance as a clown in public, unless you count the last twenty years or so of my broadcast career.
When it comes to the 4th, I'm a big fan of band concerts and parades. Also, I like watching fireworks...done by professionals. Every year, on the news, we show the video of the mannequin getting zapped by some kind of explosive and, every year, I can easily see myself as the dummy. So, I've always stuck to sparklers and the little snakes you light on the sidewalk. While even those items require caution, I usually can make them work safely. That brings me to my father-in-law. Before going any further, let me assure the authorities that he has reduced his fireworks habit to almost nothing. I don't want him spending his fourth taking the fifth.
The fact is, however, that his palms still get sweaty and a wild look comes into his eyes whenever he drives by one of those big FIREWORKS ON SALE HERE billboards. I really don't know where his obsession comes from. Part of it is his desire to entertain and dazzle his kids, and now, grandkids. I've never known anyone more concerned with his family's happiness than my father-in-law. Maybe another reason is because, day-to-day, he is in the corporate world of suits, ties, meetings, dayplanners, board-rooms. Setting off fireworks may allow him to get in touch with his inner Rambo.
I mention all this because we're going to be with my wife's family this holiday weekend and the urge to make things go boom may get to be too much for my father-in-law. If you hear that the UN is issuing sanctions and Secretary of State Rice is setting up emergency negotiations about getting inspectors into some emerging power, don't get too worried. It may just be that a fun-loving grandpa has successfully sneaked away to a fireworks stand and returned with enough stuff to be picked up on some satellite somewhere.
Right now, I have to get that tape of the poor fireworks mannequin getting the short end of the holiday deal and make it into a continuous loop. Maybe, if I just leave it running on the VCR, it will have a subconscious impact. But I doubt it. In the meantime, I hope you all have a safe and happy Fourth of July.
As a young man, my oldest brother, Randy, liked to wear lots of make-up. Now that I have regained your attention after my time/space/monkey discussion, let me explain what that fact has to do with Independence Day. Randy earned extra money for college performing as a clown. He was great...which always seemed a little surprising because, of the four boys, Randy was the quietest and, by far, the most polite. But, slap on the red nose and he was terrific. One year, he asked me to be his assistant at the Witwen Wisconsin Independence Day Parade. We worked out the old bucket full of water...or is it just confetti...trick. Randy rode a skateboard down the middle of Witwen's Main Street and I followed, handing out candy, until we came to a group of people ready for the gag. We did it about six times during the course of the parade. By the last time, I had finally gotten the order of buckets right. We left in our wake several doused spectators including a drippy state senator and a couple of soggy sisters...as in nuns. The nuns were good sports about my mistake, one saying it had better have been holy water. That was my final performance as a clown in public, unless you count the last twenty years or so of my broadcast career.
When it comes to the 4th, I'm a big fan of band concerts and parades. Also, I like watching fireworks...done by professionals. Every year, on the news, we show the video of the mannequin getting zapped by some kind of explosive and, every year, I can easily see myself as the dummy. So, I've always stuck to sparklers and the little snakes you light on the sidewalk. While even those items require caution, I usually can make them work safely. That brings me to my father-in-law. Before going any further, let me assure the authorities that he has reduced his fireworks habit to almost nothing. I don't want him spending his fourth taking the fifth.
The fact is, however, that his palms still get sweaty and a wild look comes into his eyes whenever he drives by one of those big FIREWORKS ON SALE HERE billboards. I really don't know where his obsession comes from. Part of it is his desire to entertain and dazzle his kids, and now, grandkids. I've never known anyone more concerned with his family's happiness than my father-in-law. Maybe another reason is because, day-to-day, he is in the corporate world of suits, ties, meetings, dayplanners, board-rooms. Setting off fireworks may allow him to get in touch with his inner Rambo.
I mention all this because we're going to be with my wife's family this holiday weekend and the urge to make things go boom may get to be too much for my father-in-law. If you hear that the UN is issuing sanctions and Secretary of State Rice is setting up emergency negotiations about getting inspectors into some emerging power, don't get too worried. It may just be that a fun-loving grandpa has successfully sneaked away to a fireworks stand and returned with enough stuff to be picked up on some satellite somewhere.
Right now, I have to get that tape of the poor fireworks mannequin getting the short end of the holiday deal and make it into a continuous loop. Maybe, if I just leave it running on the VCR, it will have a subconscious impact. But I doubt it. In the meantime, I hope you all have a safe and happy Fourth of July.
Posted at 4:14 AM
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