When I first started to do weather on TV, things were much simpler. I, on the other hand, was about the same level of simple as I am now. The basic routine, during the actual newscast, was as follows:

1. Sit, quietly, in weather area.

2. Walk up to anchor desk.

3. Bow, reverently, to the anchor-people.

4. Sit, quietly, at anchor desk.

5. Do not speak until spoken to.

6. Anchor-person says "Well, it was a (sunny, warm, quiet, snowy, cold, cloudy, active) day."

7. Say "Yes, (Dave, Rick, Mera, Maria, Lara, Larry, Laurie, Jim, Jere, Kris, Donna) it certainly was."

8. Walk over to the big board and talk about the weather.

9. Return to anchor desk.

10. Wait for anchor-person to say "Thank you." Return to weather area and sit, quietly.

In front of the big board, you'd use a rewired garage door opener with one button that would make the different slides show up on the screen. (This was just after the days of Velcro suns and raindrops...days I wish would return.)

It's a totally different deal, these days. The one-button garage door opener has been replaced by a hand-held box with four different buttons and a switch. Each has a distinct function. I am pretty sure, if you press them in the proper sequence, you launch the space shuttle. The switch takes you from radar to maps. One button moves the pictures. One button puts different stuff on the maps. One button clears the pictures away. I'm not sure what the last button really does but I think you can use it to start the newsroom microwave.

In addition to the variety of operations available on the remote control clicker, instead of just having one source for the weather graphics, we now have what seems like 347. For example, we may use the weather graphics like forecast pages or Kansas City Scout Cameras or tower cameras or First Alert Doppler or Storm View Doppler or Zippity-Doo-Dah Doppler. Okay, the last one isn't real but it may as well be. Obviously, when you only had one little old thing to show, you didn't really need to tell anyone else on the crew what you wanted to use. But, with so many possibilities, now you have to let the control room folks know what you want or need. At night, for the 5, 6, and 10, I guess they actually write it down and hand it in. That's one of many reasons they don't let me work at night anymore. In the mornings, we talk about weather a lot. Every 8 seconds. Maybe not that much...but close. For that reason, as well as the fact that my handwriting is not very good...those big thick crayons are great for filling in the coloring books we have in the weather center, but not so good for filling out forms. I usually just tell our illustrious director, Katie, what I would like to use. But, even that has gotten complicated.

Instead of just calling it what it is...they've assigned numbers! I used to be allowed to say "I'd like to use First Alert and K, please." I'm told that K is short for Chroma-Key...meaning the computer that shows forecast pages and other graphics the weather-person builds for each show. I always thought it stood for Kindergarten which was the last time I made as many pictures as I make on a daily basis now. Or, for Katie, our director. Or, the answer to "Would you like to show that map?" "'K, thanks." As for how that big Chroma-Key board works, the little maps I build on the weather computer are made to appear to be on the big green board behind me. They do that through the studio control room. It gets pretty complicated and technical but, I've been told, the process involves a Genie, a particular incantation and magic beans. One way or the other, at home it looks like there is a big map behind the weatherperson. In the studio, it's just a big green wall.

Since I don't write things down, the usual routine in the morning is for Katie the Director, (Yes, it is written that way, much like "Bob the Builder.") right before the weather portion, to ask "What would you like?" She says that into the little earpiece, called an IFB...standing for Interruptible Feedback, I guess. Although, for weather-dorks, it may stand for Is Full of Baloney. Now, I have to say "Weather One (used to be First Alert Radar) or Weather Two (used to be K with all the graphics on it) or Weather Three (used to be Storm View Doppler.)" Because Katie the Director knows I have limited brain-space availability, she has allowed me to say things the old way. I'm not even sure why they have changed things. We move into a new building and everything has to be different? They assigned new titles for all kinds of stuff. We now have a weather monitor...a weather plasma (where I tried to donate blood but was told it wasn't that kind of plasma)...and, my favorite, the weather pod! I did fight their efforts to change my on-air moniker to Sparky the Weather Mule.

Well, the last couple of weeks, I've tried to actually call the various weather sources by their proper names. Weather One. Weather Two. Weather Three. I've also started to refer to the news anchors as Newsperson One and Newsperson Two. As for which is which, I tell them both they are Newsperson One.

Maybe, I'm making this too complicated. Maybe, I have to revert to my childhood.

Katie the Director: "What would you like?"

Me: "I'd like Weather One and Weather Three. Plus, Thing One and Thing Two. Also, a side order of Star-Bellied Sneetch. And, if we have time, a mop-noddled finch, a nink and a nerm, one moth-watching neth, foo-foo the snoo, a lurch, a gack and a north-going zax. Oh, and for the finish, a wump. Thanks."

Now, all I need to do is get Katie to change her name to Dr. Seuss and I'll never be confused...about this anyway...again.