Here we go again. Valentine's Day. I've read that the day is named in honor of some early religious martyrs. That seems about right. Especially if you're a male who's tried to do the right things on this day only to go down in flames. Last year, I wrote...well, wrote is a big word for what I do in this cyberspot....scribbled, maybe. Can you "scribble" on a keyboard? Frankly, trying to do this without my crayons is a major challenge. But, I digest...I mean, digress. If you go back to the February 14 e-love-letter from last year, you can find some of my romantic efforts. Of course, if you have time, on this day for amore', to actually do that, you're in worse shape than I am when it comes to ooo-la-la. Can I use a phrase like "ooo-la-la" in a family friendly blog? And, is that the correct spelling? Growing up in farm country, I heard "Moo-Baa-Baa" now and then but, not being bilingual and, frankly, just barely unilingual, "ooo-la-la" was rarely uddered or uttered. What about "hanky-panky?" "Making whoopee?" If it wasn't for all those years watching MatchGame I'd have nothing to say.

This morning, Kris Ketz, also known as The Count of Monte Newsto, brought a rose to each of the female members of the FirstNews team. Whatta guy! He also wore several coats so as to have plenty in case any of the women need to walk over a puddle, ala Sir Walter Raleigh. I reminded him that Walter was, eventually, beheaded. Okay, it's great that Mr. Ketz looked like a Rose Bowl Parade Float when he walked in this morning and I am not upset that he didn't bring me anything. (Would a box of Russell Stover been too much?) However, his largess makes the rest of the men on the shift look pretty rotten. In my own defense, let me mention that in the early days of FirstNews, I would come to work dressed as Cupid! Well, I never quite made it into work. I have to say that the state patrol was quite understanding when they pulled me over. Apparently, a grown man in an old Ford Falcon, at three in the morning, dressed in a diaper and carrying a bow and arrow, raises suspicions. By the way, in my research on Cupid, in preparation for the role...I'm a method actor...I found that Cupid's parentage is a question mark and his behavior, not always conducive to true love. What I mean is, if Jerry Springer had a show on Mount Olympus, Cupid would have made a fantastic guest. "Jerry, this little maniac was chasing me all over the woods and I kept saying NO NO NO! Turns out his mama and my mama are first cousins and his daddy and my daddy are brothers. So, naturally, I think I'm in love with him!" As for the Merlin Olsen of the newsroom, Mr. Kris "Rose Petals" Ketz, maybe I can make it up on Monday, President's Day, by sharing my collection of Millard Fillmore spoons with everyone.

This whole Valentine's Day deal really got a kick in the pants from the poet and author, Chaucer, back around 1382. He wrote:

"For this was on seynt Volantynys Day
Whan every bryd cometh there to chese his make."

At first glance, it appears one of three things is going on here:

1. Chaucer's secretary was out sick that day.
2. Chaucer skipped typing class in high school...probably out back with that guy named Canterbury telling tales.
3. Chaucer was wearing oven mitts.

Maybe it's really Old English. But, I've said that verse out loud right to our coffee table and there is still dust and no discernible shine.

I think he was trying to say that something was sent on Valentine's Day and birds were looking to get lucky. ("Chese his make" apparently means "choose his mate." Unless these were Wisconsin birds, in which case, "chese his make" could have a lot to do with actual cheese.)

That was Geoffrey Chaucer, not to be confused with his less-celebrated brother Murray, who also wrote an ode to Valentine's Day:

There once was a young lad named Cupid
Who flew around until he was poop-ed
All about he would scamper
In his extra-large Pamper
No wonder he seemed oh, so stupid.

Have a wonderful Valentine's Day and remember, whoever said "It's the thought that counts" doesn't know the true meaning of this holiday.