According to a story on FirstNews, yesterday, it is okay to haggle just about anywhere nowadays. At first I thought that meant "You put your right foot in...you put your right foot out...you put your right foot in and then you shake it all about" but that's the Hokey-Pokey, not The Haggle! Then I figured it had something to do with standing trial in the Netherlands. Actually, that would be Hague-ling, not Haggling. On the other hand, which would be a third hand if you're keeping track, if you walk into a store and Hegel, it probably won't get you very far unless the person waiting on you is interested in concepts of freedom and power. No, this Haggle means to barter, bargain, dicker, horse-trade! It actually comes from Middle English, haggen...meaning "to cut or chop." The idea is that it is okay to make an offer on just about anything rather than just accept the listed price.

This is not good news for me. I am a lousy negotiator. One day my wonderful wife, Jessica, and I decided we should get a microwave oven. We had one little squirt of a baby at the time so, after consulting the Sunday paper circulars, we drove to the store offering the best deal and, while wife and child stayed in the car (cave) and I (caveman) went out to purchase the oven (slay the T-Rex.) I think the male of the species is supposed to be good at making deals. It is yet another part of the manly job where I fall short. This would be okay if it meant I was really in touch with the sensitive element of my nature but, honestly, I think both the Alan Alda side of my brain and the Hulk Hogan side have jumped into a mental kayak and paddled away. At least I'm consistently incompetent. (That's better than being consistently incontinent but those days are ever closer.) Well, the salesperson told me they were all sold out of the oven advertised in the paper but he could let me have a display model. They didn't have a box or instruction booklet. I took it. As I walked out to the car, with the electrical cord trailing behind me, my wife's face told the story. I opened the trunk and set the appliance down. As I slid behind the wheel, Jessica asked "So, what was that you were dragging out of the store?"

"Well, " I answered "that was the display model. It's all they had left."

"No box? No instructions? No warranty card?"

"Uh. No."

"Did they lower the price?""

"Uh. No."

Next thing I know, my wife is walking back into the store with the microwave in one hand and my male ego in the other. She came back out with an oven in a box...brand new...sale's price.

My wife has gotten us free nights at hotels by mentioning certain laxities in housekeeping. I said "laxities" not "laxatives." What are you thinking? Jessica has also gotten coupons and complimentary this & that just by asking. Forget Marvelous Marvin Hagler, we've got Joyful Jessica the Haggler! When it comes to haggling for our family, she wears the pants...for which she probably paid half price.