That title sounds like something you'd see on the front of a magazine, along side "Why Your Spouse Smells Like Bouillon Cubes" or "Dating Tips For Your Doberman" or "Spackling Secrets You Can Use Right Now (And Lose 25 Pounds At The Same Time!)" But, actually, it is what our youngest son has accomplished this week. Harrison views his birthday the same way Macy's views their Thanksgiving Parade. He starts planning the next one before the current one's cake is all gone. So, sometime ago, he said he just wanted to have a quiet, family-only day at home for his birthday. How sweet, we thought. Then, about a month ago, his mother played right into his little hands, by asking "Are you sure you wouldn't like to have some friends over for your birthday?" "Well, not on the actual day...I just want that to be family," he cooed...eyelashes batting feverishly. "Okay," said my wife, the pigeon, "Let's have some kids over the Saturday before...then, your actual day will be just family." "Okay, Mom, if you want to...thanks a lot...oh, and that'a beautiful dress you're wearing Mrs. Cleaver." Okay, he didn't say the last part, but he may as well have. As soon as his mother gave him the go-ahead, a list of names magically appeared as well as an agenda.

That's how, last Saturday, my wife and daughter, ended up taking five fifth- and sixth-grade boys out for pizza and a movie...followed by a giant cookie, rootbeer and presents. They were all very well-behaved and Harrison had a great time. Now, what I am about to say may get me into some trouble but, as the father of boys and a girl, I have found, in my experience, that five or six boys are quieter than two girls. During some of my daughter's birthday parties, we actually saw cracks develop in the home's foundation and witnessed a mass exodus of squirrels, rabbits and moles from the yard. In any case, all went well with the party that wasn't supposed to be.

As the last guest was leaving, I asked Harrison what he had in mind for his actual birthday which was still to come. This is his run-down: Stay up as late as possible on Friday night eating Pepper Jack Doritos and drinking rootbeer from a can. On Saturday, play with whatever new stuff he gets, taking a break to eat kielbasa and chocolate cake. After the chips, pop, sausage and cake, he's pretty sure he'll be unapproachable by anyone not wearing a hazardous materials uniform...and that's part of his plan.

Just a parting word about birthday presents, he started his list about a year ago and it has been revised several times since then. He always figures what doesn't come his way on his big day is still a possibility when the holidays hit. This year his list is filled with football related items, video games and the traditional candy bag. A candy bag is something his mom came up with years ago. As it turns out, no matter what else any of the kids get for their birthday, the candy bag is the most anxiously awaited. I suspect it will be one of those things she'll still be doing when the kids hit their own golden years. Instead of M&Ms and Cheetohs, it may be salt-free crackers and Metamucil.

One last thing, when he was about three, Harrison made a list of things he wanted for his birthday: "soup, five dollars and monkey tape." His mother and I are still hunting for the last one.