You know how a lot of web-sites have a section labeled "FAQ?" For a long time I thought that was in reference to distant geese and stood for "Far Away Quackers." Then I figured it might be a club designed for that old Jack Klugman show in which he played a coroner: "Fanatical About Quincy." It could also apply to my personal motto for those times...like everyday...when I realize I don't know what I'm talking about: "Forge Ahead Quickly." Finally, one of my children explained to me that FAQ stands for Frequently Asked Questions. That's fine, but not as much fun as describing your relative's bad habits as "Family Acquired Quirks." Or, talking about a meeting of McIntoshes, Yellows, and Granny Smiths as a "Famous Apple Quorum."

Then there was the cookie king who tried to branch out and feather his nest with a product that just didn't fly: "Famous Amos Quail." Back in the old days, when people wanted to send nasty notes to someone they used "Ferociously Acidic Quills." Once, in college, when I went to buy a place to sleep that would remind me of my grandma's house, I was told, in no uncertain terms that "Futons Aren't Quilted." Around that same time, a friend of mine had a strange little pet whose curiosity led it to get stuck with his head in a Pepsi bottle. My friend explained it by saying "Ferrets Are Quizzical."

Perhaps, when someone has a little "odor" problem, we could say "Fix Armpit Quadrant." During the holidays, I rapidly reach my "Fruitcake Appetite Quota." Of course, with Hollywood making fewer movies featuring giant monkeys, it is clear they are in the midst of a "Fading Ape Quotient." On the other hand, Will Ferrell, Steve Carrel, Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn are a "Funny Actor Quartet." At work, when I'm late getting to the weather board, the director will intone: "Flabby Anchor Quickly!"

If you are worried about losing your hair you have "Follicle Abandonment Qualms." Our founding father, Ben, would get really hungry and stop at nothing to find food. Jefferson, Washington and Adams would say "There he goes. Franklin's Abdominal Quest." The place the newest circus trapezers sleep is called the "Fledgling Acrobats Quarters." If your uncles married hoity-toity women who liked to nit-pick, you'd say your "Fancy Aunts Quibble."

If you scare a bunch of building designers as they are running away you made "Fleeing Architects Quake." If your driver's license allows you to operate a long-snouted creature that loves to nosh on bugs, you may be "Fully Anteater Qualified." It is a little known fact, but Elizabeth II can write equally well with both hands while lounging on a giant rubber duckie in the royal pool. Yes, she is a "Floating Ambidextrous Queen."

I intended to actually answer some Frequently Asked Questions this time around but I've completely wasted this space and your time. I just know the Channel 9 Web-Master will be yelling at me, which will lead to my "First A.M. Quarrel." I guess I'd better just end this silliness, which is quite easy for me since I have our family crest tattooed on my inner thigh: "FAQ=Forever A Quitter!"