This week on FirstNews, we kick-off (how often do you think we will use that play on words...oh, there's another one-"play"-on words) Match-up Mania. Each Friday, during the high school football season, we will be live at two rival schools. We are looking forward to seeing and showcasing all the fun and enthusiasm of our area's great students and teachers.

It brings to mind my own illustrious sports career. First, let me list all the sports I lettered in, while at school:



There, now that that's out of the way, the fact is, I was usually the last one chosen in neighborhood games for the simple reason that I lack athletic ability, not to mention competitive spirit. I was okay at kick-the-can, but they didn't include that as a team sport in school. Two out of three of my brothers were actually quite accomplished at sports. My oldest brother, Randy, was an all-state wrestler. Forget, Aqua Velva, Randy's cologne was the Eau de ' Orange...he always smelled like oranges as he tried to maintain his competitive weight. Randy was and is a small guy but all muscle...and, frankly, body hair. (I apologize if you are eating as you read this and get queasy over the thought of...well...body hair, but it is a vital part of my brother's persona.) Put simply, Randy was furry. We think it happened due to a mis-hearing of doctor's instructions when he was a baby. Randy was small as a baby...I know, all babies are small...but I'm talking tiny. One of the supplements recommended was fish oil...eight drops. Well, instead of eight drops, he was just about to get the first of eight DROPPER-FULS, when a grandma jumped in...not sure how much fish oil he actually got but I do know he always could hold his breath for a very long time and had a strong fear of hooks, nets and men named Babe...as in Winkelman. Anyway, the fish oil incident may also explain his hirsute qualities, which, in turn, may explain his Samson-like strength as a wrestler.

Another brother was a multi-sport letter-winner. He played baseball, football and was on the track team. I remember him always being covered with sweat. He was also a class officer and got great grades. He was blond and blue-eyed and married the Homecoming Queen. He drove a cool, black Monte Carlo and, to the best of my knowledge, never had a pimple. When, many years later, he started to lose his hair, my other brothers and I figured it was pay-back for being so perfect as a youth. Turns out, he's one of these guys that is actually more handsome with less hair. If you are worried that I harbor resentments toward this brother, please, know that it has been years since I've egged and TP'd his house. I've even stopped calling him late at night and hanging up.

The remaining brother had more athletic potential than I, but chose to focus on music and wise-cracks. If our school had offered boxing, he'd have been a contender. I know because I punched him, once. When I was seven and he was 17, he did the old "hit-me-in-the-stomach-as-hard-as-you-can" routine. As he tensed his stomach, I began my wind-up and, then, with completely malicious intent, jumped into the air and popped him on the jaw. Now, even a seven year old fist to the face hurts if you're not ready for it. Naturally, he was livid...and I was quickly on the lam. I would have sought out the aforementioned perfect brother but he was busy giving blood or serving soup at the senior center or something. So, I found my oldest brother, the hairy, citrus-scented wrestler. He provided a safe haven for the time being but it was years before I would allow myself to be in the same room, alone, with the recipient of my cheap shot.

It bothered me that I had no athletic ability. I would pout about it regularly. Whine about it often. Complain about the unfairness of it all. I spent so much time doing those things, I really couldn't fit in any kind of physical fitness regimen or practice of any particular sport. Finally, after a long day of such verbal sour grapes, I remember my father setting down his copy of Wisconsin Cheese Weekly and walking my way with what I thought was great understanding in his eyes. He took me aside...and left me there.