In Hollywood they call this the start of "Awards Season." Summer. Spring. Fall. Winter. Glitz. The five seasons of show biz. For example, the other day the Golden Globes were handed out. For me, golden globes always sounds more like a naughty answer from Charles Nelson Reilly on MatchGame '77, than an honor, but I'm not really Mr. Entertainment. I looked at the list of winners and realized I have not seen any of the movies mentioned. And, frankly, I probably won't ever see them. One was called Atonement. I went to a Lutheran church by that name for awhile but I don't think that's what the movie is about. Another winner was Away From Her. Almost exactly what my future father-in-law yelled at me when I first stopped to pick up Jessica for a date. Just add "STAY" and you've got it. There Will Be Blood, another honoree, reminds me of what every one of my wife's relatives whispered to me in the reception line of our wedding: "You do one thing that makes Jessica unhappy and there will be blood!" Another film that was awarded called No Country For Old Men is a paraphrase of what my employers sometimes intimate regarding me and TV, "This is no business for old men. JOEL. WAKE UP!"

All of these awards shows are a little painful for me since I've never won anything. I work with a room full of folks who have Emmy awards and Edward R. Murrow awards and Missouri and Kansas Broadcaster awards. Some have been named Most Popular or as having the Best Hair. I've never won or been named anything.

Well, that's not entirely true.

Back in junior high, I was home from school, supposedly under the weather. The only things on TV in the middle of the day were soap operas on three stations and a test pattern on the fourth. There was no INTERWEB or VIDEO GAMES! We didn't even have an ice-maker in the refrigerator door! We were barbarians and used ice-trays. We didn't have an automatic garage door opener. Of course, for a long time, we didn't have a garage and we didn't need an automatic shed door opener because we weren't allowed to go in the shed because that was where our neighbor, Mr. Dellman, stored his little red Thunderbird. Mr. Dellman was a meek and mild band director but, I always figured, if you so much as looked at his sporty car he'd become the Incredible Hulk. The bottom-line: We were living in the dark ages! So, I spent a big chunk of my afternoon reading, making Creepy Crawlers and listening to the radio.

I didn't choose Top 40 or Country & Western. My station of choice was The Music of Your Life Station. Well, it wasn't called that back then. It was WMAD-AM and featured artists like Ella Fitzgerald and Tony Bennett (before he was cool all over again!) and Bobby Darin and Rosemary Clooney (She sings better than her nephew, George.) I may have been the only pre-teen tuning in and I know I wasn't the station's prime target audience. I really didn't have much use for Geritol...my blood didn't seem all that tired or a subscription to Modern Maturity from AARP. And, honestly, I wasn't really sure what a suppository was. I still am a little hazy on that and happy to be so. Anyway, every week they'd have a Mystery Singer. If you figured it out and called in on Friday, you could win prizes. Well, I was home sick on a Friday. I decided to call in with a blind guess: Frank Sinatra. I was right! The disc jockey asked me my age and why I was home in the middle of the day. I explained that I would love to be in school with all my pals but was ill. I was ailing and only the music of their radio station had brightened my day. I was sick. A sick, sick child. Okay, maybe I spread it on a little thick but the DJ loved it. I seem to recall him saying something along the lines of "Well, little buddy, when you're feeling up to it come on into the station and get your pile of goodies. We'll throw in some extra stuff for you, our brave young friend! Now, Jerry Vale asks the musical question Yes We Have No Bananas."

The next day, Saturday, my dad and I drove into Madison to collect my loot. Here's the list of what I won: a play-pen, a fire extinguisher, a WMAD coffee cup, WMAD pencils, WMAD bumper sticker, a pile of record albums that the station didn't play, for example Hoot Gibson and Slim Pickens Sing The Rolling Stones and With Love from Sheboygan By Snugg Polipsky and the Lederhosen Boys. I also got several A&W gift certificates and a certificate for a free cattle pedicure. Those California cows may think they are hot stuff, but in Wisconsin we have long been proud of our cows' hooves. They also gave me a certificate saying I was that week's winner of the Mystery Singer contest. That was my major prize.

The only other thing I've won was the Pooper Scooper Award for being the most diligent in picking up after my dog when we take walks. I got this honor from our old neighborhood at a summer block party. Then, after an investigation, there was some talk of illegal doggy doping and I had to give back the certificate. We were also forced to move.

Anyway, those are the two things I've won in my life. Whenever the Oscars roll around or my cohorts begin shining their various statuettes I start singing My Way and whip out the Milkbone and blue plastic bag I carry with me wherever I go!