Today, I had someone mention that they see me chew gum on the air every now and then. Of course, TV consultants and news directors, not to mention teachers and parents, would say that's unacceptable and rather rude. (Some teachers used to say "Quit chewing your cud! You look like a cow." However, being in America's Dairyland, which means Wisconsin no matter what those California cows say, I always took that admonishment as a compliment which may explain my deep familiarity with the principal's office.) The reason I chew gum is to battle morning breath. It is bad enough that news professionals like Mr. Gish and Ms. Pitman have to deal with me "on the air." They should NOT have to deal with me "in the air." I say "on the air" because, to their great credit, they do not acknowledge my presence "off the air." I'm pretty much invisible to them which makes it quite simple to go through their desks, Donna's purse and Jere's so-called briefcase. (It's really just a big, man-purse.) Anyway, since my performance is odoriferous enough, I don't want my breath to knock them out of their seats. Also, I've been told that in HIGH-DEF, you can actually see bad breath...it appears as a light green cloud, often in the shape of President Millard Filmore, for some reason. Anyway, I chew a little gum to freshen things up. I usually try to remember to discard the gum before show time. In the new building, it is particularly fun because there are plenty of fresh spots under all the shiny, new desks and tables and chairs to stick the wad of chewed material.


I choose to chew, or chews to choo, old-fashioned Wrigley Spearmint. Those gums that give you an "explosion of flavor" scare me. I tried some once and my teeth wouldn't speak to me for a week. My mom was a big Wrigley Doublemint chewer when I was little but switched to Dentyne or Trident at some point. There is still something comforting about seeing those old green packages of Doublemint. In fact, if you ever see me in the gum and candy aisle of the grocery store, staring fondly at the Doublemint, you'll know I'm having a rough day. I know Wrigley also has Juicy Fruit but that always struck me as dangerously close to having a serving of fruit or vegetables.

Growing up, my favorite gum was Black Jack, the licorice flavored stuff. Historically speaking, it was, supposedly, the first flavored gum marketed in America back in 1884. It seems odd that there wasn't flavored gum before that...something like Ben Franklin's Horse Hair Gum or Give Me Peppermint or Give Me Death Gum from Patrick Henry's Ye Olde Confectionery Shoppe.

I didn't really like the flavor of Black Jack but I loved the fact that you could make it look like you were missing your front teeth. The same company that made Black Jack, made other flavors called Clove and Beemans. I guess the clove one was kind of spicy. Not sure what Beemans was like because I knew a Mr. Beeman and didn't want to find out if it really tasted "tweedy with a hint of Copenhagen drool."

Every now and then, I'd switch to Fruit Stripe, which looked like something fun to chew with all the different colors and swirls. Being a slow learner, I was always rather disappointed that it didn't end up being anymore giggle-producing than any other gum. Chiclets, however, did seem sort of laughable. One of my brothers tried to convince me that Chiclets were actually made out of real chicks...cute little baby chickens! He even, surreptitiously, put a feather near my open bag just to drive home his point. He claimed, if you chewed enough Chiclets, you'd eventually grow a beak, start to molt and lay multi-colored eggs. The last part actually seemed kind of appealing, especially around Easter.

My favorite childhood gum, no surprise, was of the bubble variety. I loved Bazooka Joe. I'd pull my sweater up over my chin and spout all the little jokes and riddles found on the inside wrapper. I was never a great bubble blower but I tried. Most of all, I liked the sugary flavor. That brings me back to why, today, I opt for Wrigley's Spearmint.

Somewhere along the way, the makers of bubble gum, must have started to use something different in their formula. Maybe a "healthier" kind of sweetener? Frankly, I don't know who they are trying to kid by making certain snacks "healthier." We pretty much know certain stuff isn't all that good for you...physically. Let the "junk" food be junk. Anyway, the new formula doesn't sit right with my middle aged stomach. So, I briefly chew my one morning stick of gum and move on. Gum-chewing has become utilitarian rather than pleasurable. I guess it is just as well because, if chewing gum on TV is frowned upon, just think what it would do to our society if I started blowing bubbles!