This morning on FirstNews we had some wonderful video of a huge walrus doing his exercises. (I say "His" although I am not sure if the creature is a boy or girl...just, to me, all walruseseseses...walrusi?...look like Wilford Brimley. I wonder if there is any video, anywhere, of Mr. Brimley doing ab-crunches? Just so you know, I think he is a great character actor. I'm a big fan of Mr. Brimley, too.) Anyway, this gentle giant was feeling the burn. It got me thinking that maybe it's time for me to initiate a real work-out plan. It's not that hard. I've started a new exercise regime hundreds of times.

When I was a kid, for Christmas one time, I got boxing gloves and decided I might be the next Rocky Marciano. Looking back, I realize that the gift was given to me by one of my brothers who could then use it as a pretext to "spar" with me. Not a good idea. Although, I do remember one time, when my brother, Craig, who is at least a decade older than me...at least, was 17 and came up to me and said "Hit me in the stomach as hard as you can." Well, I wound up big time and then leaped into the air and popped him in the jaw, instead. That was the end of my boxing career and the immediate start of my 50 yard dash to the side of our mother.

Growing up, I was running around outside a lot and riding my bike all over and swimming everyday so any kind of organized work-out would have been redundant. It was in college that I first decided to actually try exercise on purpose. It turned out that eating Oreos and chocolate milk for breakfast, snacking throughout the day, and wolfing down M&Ms while watching The Bob Newhart Show after the 10:00 news, as great as it was, did not make me look like Hans and Franz...more like Hardy and.....Hardy. Well, having grown up seeing Jack LaLanne on TV doing every possible exercise using only a wooden chair and a white German Shepherd, that's the model I decided to follow. I borrowed a chair and painted our dog. Then did jumping jacks, sit-ups, squats, lunges and push-ups. The results were amazing. I suspect they would've been even more impressive if I had done it for a second day. But, I had to return the chair and the dog moved out. Also, I found that the evil secret fit people don't tell you is that you have to do this stuff consistently and, not continue to eat the Oreos and M&Ms during the actual workout. Also, I was once laughed at by an observer who said my push-ups looked like some kind of giant, poorly-groomed emu trying to find his lost contact lens. I was particularly offended by the "poorly-groomed" comment.

Then, for awhile, I tried to run a mile everyday. By day three, my lower back, knees and shins refused to speak to me. Not long after that, I bought some free weights. They lived up to their name as I felt perfectly free to step over them on a daily basis. Then, for a gift, I got one of those all-in-one workout machines. It took me the better part of a year to put it together. Too many wheels, pulleys, rubber bands, chains. At one point it looked like The Tin Man after a wild night at the Emerald City Tavern. Later, the fire department had to be called to rescue me from the top of the apparatus. They lured me down with a bowl of warm milk and cheese curds. Once I got this monstrosity put together I was far too exhausted to use it. I decided to call it a modern art piece and let it go at that.

Now, I live in a house with a wife who exercises and runs everyday. A daughter who plays every sport possible at school. Two sons who will play football with anyone coming down the street and another son who swims like a fish. Even the dog looks at me with disdain for my lack of physical activity and he sleeps 22 hours a day. So, after having seen that walrus this morning, I've decided to buckle down and get to it. Maybe Wilford Brimley can be my workout buddy.