From time to time over the years, always without prior permission, I've played the piano on Channel 9. For example, sometimes around the holidays, on FirstNews, I would play Christmas songs just before and after commercials. Believe it or not, and, personally, I wouldn't, I've actually gotten a couple of e-mails asking if I'd be doing the same this year. The answer to these poor, misguided and clearly tone-deaf souls, is no. No piano this year. Part of it has to do with station policy and part with just good judgment. As for the station policy, TV stations have to pay a fee when they use more than 15 seconds of a song. In the old days, most stations, including Channel 9, just paid a blanket fee but now it is tune by tune. So, unless I can play that KMBC news theme you hear at the beginning of the newscast...you know: Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daaaaaah!...with a holiday twist, I won't be tickling the ivories.

The fact is, I'm not much of a pianist. In fact, that particular word, pianist, is a little too high-brow for me. I have always admired those who were good enough to deserve that description. Sometimes I'd even wish I had their talents. Yes, I suffer from pianist envy. No, I'm just a bad piano-player. Part of the reason I easily denigrate my tinkling talents is that I mostly need to be looking at a piece of music to play just about anything. I have tried to learn how to play by ear but always end up with a head-ache.

I did take piano lessons for almost a decade. However, if you add up the amount of time I spent actually practicing and doing the assigned exercises, it comes out to about a month and a half. I went through three teachers during that time. The first was a high school girl who lived in a big, old house just a few blocks away. That family always had a huge jigsaw puzzle going in the piano room. Naturally, my attention was drawn away from Turkey In The Straw, in front of me, and toward the "History of Flight" or whatever puzzle was being worked on at the moment. After that teacher had had more than enough, I moved onto a couple of other older teachers. Looking back, I do regret I didn't practice more...or, more accurately, at all. I also wish I'd paid more attention to the classical composers. I know folks who can hear a classical piece on the radio and know, immediately, who wrote it, when, why and how. "Oh, that's the Etude in G Minor by Schotokofitizkielllerria." The composer's name always reminds me of the sound our dog makes when he's trying to make the Blow-Fish Beany Baby he swallowed, swim upstream.

In fifth grade, my brothers entered me in a local talent show. They had a band called "What's New!" or "What's New?"--I was never clear if it was a declaration or a question--which played Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass kind of music. They were past winners of his talent contest and would be making a guest appearance this particular time around. They thought it would be great if I competed...and won...mostly in their honor. So, knowing I couldn't play by ear,and not trusting my memory, they copied three songs, reduced them to fit on one piece of cardboard, wrote helpful reminders around the edges like "SMILE!" and "HAVE FUN!" and "IF YOU EMBARRASS US WE WILL STUFF YOU IN THE PIANO BENCH!" and pushed me onto the stage. The only song I remember playing was Autumn Leaves. I chose it because it sounded cool when pianist...there's that word, again...Roger Williams played it. He'd do this neat downward arpeggio kind of thing to simulate the falling leaves. I never mastered that but I could sort of do an upward arpeggio so I played that instead. Aside from totally ignoring the laws of physics and nature by making the leaves go up instead of down, it didn't sound too bad. Well, I didn't come in first, second or third. I didn't get one of the several honorable mentions, either. There was one other contestant that didn't get any kind of recognition. He was a guy from out-of-town who did impersonations of famous people doing bird calls: "And, now, always a favorite, the popular actor Cary Grant as he would sound if he were a Great Red Feathered Yellow-bellied Sapsucker." It wasn't a bad act. In fact, I think he'd have won except for his grand finale. He was attempting to portray the Osmond Brothers, as geese, flying south for the winter and singing Up, Up & Away. It got to be too much for him and he had to be transported to the hospital where he was in traction for six weeks.

Well, over the years, despite my clear musical limitations, I was able to recoup some of the dollars and desire my always-hopeful mother had poured into the ill-fated lessons. I played the piano in the high school band...the jazz band. I'd tried the marching band but couldn't find a truss in our school colors. I played to earn some money in college. I've accompanied my daughter when she sings. And, for a few years, as I mentioned, I played a little on Channel 9. Still, each time I try to play, I feel it necessary to say "Sorry, Bartolomeo." You see, Bartolomeo Cristofori of Padua, Italy, is credited with developing the piano and I always imagine him looking down at me, as I play, and muttering "I should have just left that stupid harpsichord alone!"